Steph Says Go!

"We're all young and naive still"

  • 28th July
    2014
  • 28

Fuck. I just put on a workout shirt I haven’t worn on a long time and if I already wasn’t pretty sure, this just confirmed that I’ve definitely gained weight. I don’t own a scale anymore and a lot of my shirts are always lose or baggy because that’s my style. Last time I wore this shirt, it was on the loose side though. I am feeling extremely bloated today so that’s part of it but fuuuuuck there’s no denying it. I’ve put on a lot of fat. Fuck. Really hating my body today and as of late and I haven’t felt that way in a long, long time. This will be the continuous struggle in my life. I know it. How to create and maintain a healthy relationship with food, exercise, and my body. It’s extremely upsetting and frustrating that I gain weight so easily. I haven’t even been off track that long. Nor has it been terribly off track this time. And yet my body still gains weight. Fuck. Some days I would just like to not worry or think about it. Some days I would love if all of my issues inside didn’t manifest themselves in over eating, under eating or body fat. Some days, like today, I feel like everyone can tell that I’m fucked up. Everyone has their issues, but some people’s remain hidden better. Fuck. I’m honestly just disappointed in myself because I thought I got this under control (to an extent) like 2 years ago. Smh. Back to the basics I guess. 

  • 28th July
    2014
  • 28

Oh good. Just got a call that my stupid cat is impounded at animal services.

Brought in by a citizen so most likely someone on my parents street. There are so many outdoor cats on our block though. Like screw off. Gonna have to go drive across the city in rush hour to get him. Yay. 

The city bylaw states that outdoor cats cannot leave your property but obviously my parents house in suburbia doesn’t have 12 foot fencing around the entire perimeter. Thunder is definitely an asshole sometimes and I could see him fighting with other cats. I know he kills a lot of birds too which I genuinely feel awful about. I just called my dad and he said he wants to just get rid of him. I can’t change the fact that he is an outdoor cat because he is almost 5 years old and came to me that way when he was 1. Obviously I don’t want just put him down because my dad is frustrated either. It’s not an option for him to come live with me because I live in a 7th floor apartment and I’m not allowed pets. 

I’ve read before that you can get your cat declawed on the front paws to reduce hunting and fighting behaviours but hind claws still allow them to climb to escape danger or other cats. For any cat owners out there, would that potentially be a viable, non-cruel option? Or does anyone have any suggestions as to how to manage him? I don’t know if there is anything I can do, but I want to try to make sure this doesn’t become an ongoing issue.

Edit: I realize now and have been informed that it would definitely be inhumane to declaw him at this age. It’s not something I would ever really want to do, I’m just trying to brain storm ideas or possible solutions. Cat leash for the back yard maybe? Any other suggestions are totally welcome! :)

  • 28th July
    2014
  • 28
Finally made myself lunch at 3:30. In trying to eat better the past 2 weeks I’ve been struggling with eating when I should be or eating enough a lot of the time. I procrastinate eating anything so that I don’t eat crap but then I realize I’ve hardly eaten all day. My usual problem is over eating and emotional eating. Turns out sometimes when your self worth plummets, self care, even in the form of good food, becomes difficult at times. But I’m trying to do what I know I need to do regardless of weather I feel like doing it or not. So here’s my lunch: chicken breast with BBQ sauce, 1/2 an avo, baby carrots, a peach, and a beet juice with apple, fennel, lemon and ginger from this near cold pressed juice bar that recently opened bear my apartment. Baby steps.

Finally made myself lunch at 3:30. In trying to eat better the past 2 weeks I’ve been struggling with eating when I should be or eating enough a lot of the time. I procrastinate eating anything so that I don’t eat crap but then I realize I’ve hardly eaten all day. My usual problem is over eating and emotional eating. Turns out sometimes when your self worth plummets, self care, even in the form of good food, becomes difficult at times. But I’m trying to do what I know I need to do regardless of weather I feel like doing it or not. So here’s my lunch: chicken breast with BBQ sauce, 1/2 an avo, baby carrots, a peach, and a beet juice with apple, fennel, lemon and ginger from this near cold pressed juice bar that recently opened bear my apartment. Baby steps.

  • 28th July
    2014
  • 28
  • 28th July
    2014
  • 28
  • 28th July
    2014
  • 28

Blue Rodeo - Hasn't Hit Me Yet

duskanddawn:

Hasn’t Hit Me Yet - Blue Rodeo

I stand transfixed
Before this streetlight
Watching the snow fall
On this cold December night 

And out in the middle of Lake Ontario
The same snow is falling
On the deep silent water
The great dark wonder

— I have done exactly what the song described while listening to this song on my ipod - it made me so happy (also hopelessly emotional and alone and melancholy because those are the emotions that this song engenders).

It’s a Blue Rodeo kind of day today. 

  • 28th July
    2014
  • 28

Naturally woke up at 8am today which for my recent life of unemployment and general shit headedness is incredible. I guess I should take that as a sign that today will be a good day and yet my head is in an awful place. Today I need to actually accomplish something and I should probably take advantage of the fact that I’m even awake at 9am to do so. I guess this is for accountability since I’m struggling to have any to myself these days. 

  • Do laundry. And put it away. Maybe also get rid of some clothes while I have the time
  • Clean the kitchen
  • Buy curtains for my room and install them so I can take down my broken blinds
  • Pay cell phone and internet bill and then go cry because fuck money
  • EAT WELL. Eat enough. If you don’t eat anything until 3pm is it any surprise you have no energy Stephanie…
  • Meet Mom at MEC to pick up the few remaining supplies I need for my backpacking trip this weekend (!!!!!!!!)
  • Apply to more jobs. FML. Drive to my parents to print off resumes (I don’t have a printer) and then apply at Starbucks and restaurants. At this point any money is good money. Can’t be picky when your this desperate even though as an almost 25 year old university graduate it kills a piece of you. 
  • Study anatomy and physiology. Try to actually focus your mind. 
  • Go to CrossFit. Maybe spin as well. 
  • Recognize that I’m actually a spoiled little brat and be grateful for the fact that my parents can and want to help me out right now instead of hating the fact that I still have to rely on them. 

The only way to get out of a hole you mostly dug yourself is to claw your way back out right? I guess this is the start of that. Fuck I just miss having a job. My life seems really useless. I feel useless. I really need to take advantage of all this free time though and accomplish something other than making a large dent in my mattress. 

Hope your Monday is starting off better than mine!

  • 28th July
    2014
  • 28
  • 27th July
    2014
  • 27
  • 27th July
    2014
  • 27
  • 27th July
    2014
  • 27

belle-addams:

I guess my issue is that because I’m so protective over people I care about, I’d do pretty much anything for them to make sure they’re okay and happy. So I assume that when people claim to care about me that they mean everything they say, and that they’d do all of the above because it’s I would do for them.

This is why I have trust issues because no one cares about me as much as I care about them, it’s what’s going to break me in the end, I swear.

(via barbellprincess)

  • 27th July
    2014
  • 27
  • 27th July
    2014
  • 27
Men always say that as the defining compliment: the Cool Girl. She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means that I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.
Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see these men - friends, coworkers, strangers - giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much - no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version - maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: ‘I like strong women.’ If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because ‘I like strong women’ is code for ‘I hate strong women.’)
I waited patiently - years - for the pendulum to swing the other way, for men to start reading Jane Austen, learn how to knit, pretend to like cosmos, organize scrapbook parties, and make out with each other while we leer. And then we’d say, Yeah, he’s a Cool Guy.
But it never happened. Instead, women across the nation colluded in our degradation! Pretty soon Cool Girl became the standard girl. Men believed she existed - she wasn’t just a dreamgirl one in a million. Every girl was supposed to be this girl, and if you weren’t, then there was something wrong with you.
Gone Girl, Gillian Flynn. (via the-library-and-step-on-it)

(via amandafestation)

  • 26th July
    2014
  • 26
  • 26th July
    2014
  • 26

Saturday night slow as balls 5K. Just over a year ago I could run 6K in the same time. That’s not fast either but it’s a little disappointing although not surprising. I have some serious work to put in for my Spartan Race in a month and Tough Mudder in about 6 weeks. When I signed up in January they seemed so far away. I will probably die cause I have not been training properly.

Other than the god awful mistake of wearing shorts (chub rub is death, but I was too lazy to do laundry) this was a good run. Struggled a bit from 2-3K but after that the cramps got worked out and I felt better. I’m so glad I decided to drive down closer to my parents for this one. Running downtown along the river is nice sometimes but nothing beats the random trails, the fresh air, and the seclusion of the huge provincial park down here. I think I’ll continue to make the drive. It’s just so worth it. So beautiful and refreshing and peaceful.

PS: hope you enjoy that selfie with sweat dripping into my eye :)